Going blank in social situations.

[juri]

Hi guys.

I have never been diagnosed with aspergers or autism but a psych said to me, "a diagnosis of mild aspergers would be very sensible", just suggesting it. I have always had a lot of problems maintaining eye contact and I'm not too bad at understanding what people are saying but the underlying feelings they have can be a little hard to figure out. Sometimes I cant tell if someone is playing games with me or being genuine without any obvious literal verbal cues. All I do is think, pretty much, I can be in my bed for hours just having conversations to myself, totally absorbed. I feel I mostly totally lack empathy, but have sympathy. I feel I am a kind person. I make a s*** ton of social mistakes, I'm getting better, I'm learning alot about just talking about total bulls*** such as making small talk. My main problem is I think a bit of social anxiety I think, I don't like meeting large groups of people I don't know, I get incredibly nervous and have to force myself to talk to try socialise. Something else I cant fix, this is the big one, I go totally blank talking to people I'm not 100% comfortable with, They say something and I have absolutely nothing to respond with. Actually especially in situations with someone talking about how they feel, ie. girls. they will just rattle on about how they like cheese cake or something like that but not talking about the cake, about how much the loved it. or how upset they are about how there favourite actor died, explaining how all there friends had a sob and reminisced. For me, I don't know. Nothing is in my head all that comes out is a totally inappropriate agreement with whatever they just said, regardless if it makes any sense. I want to fix this. Does anyone have any tips on how I can try train myself to actually say something worth saying?

Also another thing worth mentioning is, I say things and have absoulutley NO idea how it will make the other person feel. For example, I was in a night club and I approached a girl and she did'nt really want to talk to me but I persisted, so anyway I said I met a french girl, she said she'd been to france, then she said what happpend to the french girl and I said I moved to fast". my buddy later told me that I basically said "I tried to have sex with her but she told me to go away, promptly".

I think this going blank thing isn't so bad when I'm drunk, then I just say anything.

Also you may have noticed I posted this in the romance section. I'm male and have never had a girlfriend, I'm 23-27. I feel I am good looking. I need to try get over this hurdle.

Sorry if this is a bit inconsistent, its hard to describe.

Thank you.

[MM]

Well buddy I think you have come to the right place.  The thing is at least you admit that you have a problem and now can get the help you need to change these unfortunate circumstances in your life.  Hope things improve for u

[Indelible]

I understand.  I'm a 26 y/o male and have had two girlfriends now - one of whom I was so drunk when we met that we'd kissed in a club for several hours before I'd even spoken a single word to her.  So you're not going to like what I'm about to say, but I really didn't get anything out of that relationship.  It lasted 3 months (though it really shouldn't have).  She and I didn't get along well and it was deeply unsatisfying.  In some ways, I guess it was good having the "never had a g/f" monkey off my back, but it was 4 years later that I next had a relationship.  This one lasted 6 months, was with someone I'd been friends with for a long time.  This one went really well - up until she dumped me.  And that's my lovelife so far.  I'm not completely ugly, I'm smart, ambitious and occasionally funny, but like you I also go completely blank when talking to people I'm not comfortable with.

There are three things I would do (and have done):
1) Get professional help. 
I went to see a psychologist (I can't remember the difference between psychiatrist and psychologist, so it could have been either one) and my GP.  I went on anti-depressants (fluoxatine, a.k.a prozac) for a while and that really helped with my social anxiety.  I'm not a big fan of medications, but it both showed me how good life can be and it gave me a little extra motivation to work hard to change things for myself.  Unfortunately it also gave me really bad insomnia, so I went onto a different drug (citalopram) but that had little to no effect for me.  I stopped at that point because unfortunately, my GP falls in the category of people whom I'm not entirely comfortable with, because I simply don't see him often enough for it to get any better.

2) Script conversations.  Start small, and take a small conversation to a person you're only semi-uncomfortable with (like a work colleague, etc).  Definitely don't start with a girl you're interested in potentially dating.  Have something that interests you, and figure out what you want to say and have a guess at what the other person might say in return (this is easier if you start with a question).  As you do this, sometimes you find that a conversation naturally gets a good momentum up and you stop worrying about it.  Other times it will stop awkwardly and suddenly after about two sentences, so have an exit strategy if you can.  Work is good for this, because you can always make out that you've got some pressing thing that you've just remembered about.

3) Exercise more.  I don't know if you've heard this one before or not, but it really makes a difference to me.  I used to bike to work every day (before I owned a car) and that wasn't enough exercise for me.  I know that I need at least two sessions per week where I really get a good sweat up and get out of breath, so I play soccer twice a week in winter (indoor and outdoor) then in summer I go down to indoor + ultimate frisbee.  I notice pretty quickly if I'm not getting enough exercise because I will feel really depressed (mostly on weekends, because my work occupies me during the week) really easily.  With depression out of the way, I find it much easier to focus on the social anxiety side of things.


So that's what I do and you will have to find out what works for you.  I didn't have the motivation to really push myself to do the exercise until I'd been on the meds to see what life could be, so that might need to be your first step.  I'm told diet can also be a strong factor, but I don't notice it when I eat better or worse - it's different for everyone.

But in the meantime, there are other people out there like you - there are even girls in the same situation - so I hope you figure out what works for you and get life back to how you want it.  If you have any follow up questions, I'm more than happy to answer them behind the safety and comfort of the interwebs.

[juri]

Indelible, MM. Thank you for the advice and personal experience, this is much appreciated. I think I really need to speak to a professional. Exercise is definitely a good thing and I have started this. I could go on about how I feel but I think it would be best spent talking to a doctor. Thank you for your kindness. I'm so glad to see that there are people in this world that are not twisted and selfish.