Problems in relationships and marriages (not due to abuse - infidelity)

[Shiroi Tora]

I think the problem comes because people operate behind facades. They aren't honest as to who they are during courtship. When, once the person feels safe in marriage, they change. FALSE ADVERTISING  That is when resentment takes hold. This takes the whole meaning of courtship and throws it out the window.

A person should do what they love doing...their passion. When you meet a person of the same interests and passions...you can talk soul to soul, and so, a soul mate is found. A frequent tactic employed by both sexes is to hang out at locations, not of their interest, and attempt to hook someone (Yes...as in fooling someone until it is too late...they wait until you bite and they reel you in like a fish).  They align themselves with a person who often is not a good match...they sabotage themselves from the start...and cheat the other in the process.

People don't test enough during courtship...yes, that means part of the blame goes to you. Since people control their actions during courtship, you cannot reliably look at actions...However, you can test reactions. They are, by far, the more difficult to control. Arguments will happen in marriage...especially when your partner refuses to see how right you are...sorry, we aren't talking about me here...  ...the goal isn't to see if they argue...but to see if they argue fairly. A person who holds grudges...ugh...or a person who is stubborn, is not a mature person...not one a person would want to walk through life with. Now, when I say stubborn...I certainly don't mean someone who, when they don't believe they are wrong because no compelling evidence was put forth to change their mind...doesn't. That is a truly thinking person. However, when there is compelling evidence that defeats their argument and they refuse to yield because they simply cannot admit they are wrong...there is a whole lot of fighting that is going to be happening...unless you suppress your personality...and if that happens, you shall simply exist and not live life.

A major part of life will involves being with other persons (if you so choose, of course). Choosing, correctly, who you surround yourself in life with, is one of the most important choices you can make.

Your thoughts or experiences?

[jman]

Do you a search for 'AS partners' on Delphi forums, it's supposed to be a 'support' site for people in LTR's with a person with AS, instead it's a place for NT wives to bash their AS husbands. It's actually kind of sickening to read. Check it out if you stomach it.

The reason I pointed out that site is because I believe that site is the result of the resentment you were talking about. The AS partner puts on an NT act during courtship, but as soon as they REALLY get to know each the veil comes off, and the NT women feels duped. Another part of the problem is people seem to marry people just for the sake of getting married rather than really getting to know the person.

It really pisses me off that the women on 'AS partners' blame their partners when it takes two to tango.

[Shiroi Tora]

I hear you.  Marriage is serious business...especially when children are to be involved.  Kindness should be a must in picking a mate.  A kind person is a considerate person.  They often give of themselves.  When two give....it is a giving and loving relationship.  Kind people often make good parents...they automatically put their child's needs first...without resentment...it comes naturally to them.

[Marco]

I never thought that I would get married but my wife actually proposed to me. She needed a visa. We are still married.

[Shiroi Tora]

So long as there is respect....a fulfilling of agreed upon duties....the partnership can flourish.  When someone wishes to change the terms of the contract part way through is when resentment naturally occurs.  Deception, sabotage, needling...etc...any number of ways to destroy the marriage is utilized by dishonorable persons...they then try to pin the blame on you.  You simply must find out how a person argues before marriage takes place...a dishonorable pattern emerges when emotions lower their facade.  There simply is no cure for the selfish person....they are ego-centric...they cannot perceive any other way.  They shall always come first in their minds....they shall make terrible mates and parents.

It sounds as if you have a good mate.  Arranged marriages have a higher rate of success in other countries than marriages in the US because they are coached on expectations and duties in a marriage....there is no squabbling or power plays because everything has been lain out.  We have a bad time of it in the US because there are no firm expectations....people tend to do things on the fly...by individual....by impulse.  We have NO culture in the US.  No real traditions...nothing to act as a social glue.  That is to our detriment.

[ozymandias]

Do you a search for 'AS partners' on Delphi forums, it's supposed to be a 'support' site for people in LTR's with a person with AS, instead it's a place for NT wives to bash their AS husbands. It's actually kind of sickening to read. Check it out if you stomach it.

The reason I pointed out that site is because I believe that site is the result of the resentment you were talking about. The AS partner puts on an NT act during courtship, but as soon as they REALLY get to know each the veil comes off, and the NT women feels duped. Another part of the problem is people seem to marry people just for the sake of getting married rather than really getting to know the person.

It really pisses me off that the women on 'AS partners' blame their partners when it takes two to tango.

Yeah, that site dumped on my wife when she had the audacity to say that she loved being married to me.  The moderator of the forum, MamaMarch, said such thoughts "were not helpful".  It was like, "How dare you say positive things about being married to a man with AS."      My wife never went back there again.

[Shiroi Tora]

Good for her....and good for you for marrying such a smart woman! 

[ozymandias]

Good for her....and good for you for marrying such a smart woman! 

19 years and counting,    I am a very lucky man and we found each other at the right times of our lives.