best way to cope with a 4yr old aspie girl

[aspie dad]

Hi can anyone help? our 4 yr old daughter has been diagnosed with aspergers, she has major meltdowns. our first aim is how to deal with her meltdowns, they are like a temper tantrum on nucleur power and last for hours.
any suggestions

[zenemu]

Hi,

Kids with Aspergers have a few issues, mainly problems with communication, a natural distrust or dislike of changes in their environment and an instinctive need for routine. When these issues come into conflict with the real world - which happens very often, it will be incredibly frustrating for your daughter and she won't have the natural tools to communicate that frustration - so the meltdowns are a bit of a self fulfilling prophecy for most AS children. Setting up routines is one of the key ways to limit meltdowns – make small adjustments to them over time.

Another cause of these meltdowns could well be sensory overload. With many people who have Aspergers, stimulation of certain senses – such as a noisy environment, bright light, a certain smell (it varies from person to person) can cause a sensory overload which in turn causes a feeling of being overwhelmed and panicky and in some cases even physical pain. This doesn’t occur with every aspie, but it is something to watch out for and as a parent, if you can find a sensory trigger, it may well be possible to slowly desensitise her over time.

There are usually warning signs that these episodes are coming on, but you need to learn specifically what these signs are in your daughter – things like biting the lower lip, or involuntary limb movements are common before these episodes in aspie children – but again in some kids there are no signs.

Unfortunately the symptoms of Aspergers are so varied that they are often quite unique to the individual.

Obviously as with any child, when tantrums occur over her wanting something unreasonable, it is important that you don’t give in. Children with Aspergers tend to learn by observation and copying behaviours in others, so when she others behaving in a specific way in order to get what they want, she is likely to follow suit – this will become readily apparent when she starts school.

When she does have a meltdown, if possible take her to a calm environment and let her cool down in her own time. She is missing the natural emotional filters than most children her age are starting to learn, so it will often take her longer than you would normally consider reasonable to calm down and let go of a specific emotion. As she gets a little older you will probably find that once she has calmed down, you will be able to ask her about specific meltdowns and what the cause was – a logical discussion is often the best way to discuss behaviour that isn’t perhaps appropriate.

One more very important thing to bear in mind is that children with aspergers often find emotional outbursts by others frightening and overwheliming - if during these tantrums you feel your patience start to ebb, simply walk away and leave her to it for a while.

Good Luck.

[MM]

We can always rely on zen to save the day

[aspie dad]

Thanks for that Zen,
that pretty much describes her. We have been giving in to her tantrums trying in order to calm her down, as when we did try to stand up to her she screamed and laid on her back and literally kicked the door for hours, scared that if we stood up to them it would just get her anxiety up and would get worse.
So just wanted to make sure we were doing the right thing, so sounds like we should stand up to them and not give in and they should get better?
Cheers again

[zenemu]

It won't be easy and she is still very young, but yes over time things will get better if you stand up to these tantrums, but there are conditions. Obviously there will be a time when that is difficult or inappropriate, but where possible you need to show her that tantrums are not the way to express frustration. You do need to talk to her when she is calm. This may be a bit of a generalization, but most children with Aspergers tend not to react well to simply being told what they can and can't do; they require an explanation as to why something is the way it is or why certain behaviour isn’t appropriate.

Over the next few years start to encourage her to ask questions about her behaviour and other peoples behaviour and her environment, and get used to giving in-depth explanations. The easier she can reason within her environment the less frustrated she will be.

I’m sure Aspergers Girl will have some other stuff to add to this thread when she has a moment as she can probably relate to your daughter much better than I can. If you have any more questions, please feel free to ask.