So, here goes.

[Silver Fox]

There's a lady who works at a local store where I am. It's been months since I've seen her working there, but I don't know her hours.

The last time I saw her, I asked if she'd like to have a coffee, and she wanted to, but after that, I didn't give her any contact details. So the coffee may well have gone cold since the last visit.

Tonight, however, I made no mistake. I gave her my mobile and asked her to call me so we could meet, and said "Will you call me? Please?" 

She is polite and friendly to everyone, and she calls me 'Sir', which scares the hell out of me. But she used to be a carer before her present job, and she's just really nice.

Over 5 years and counting without being in a relationship. Could it be that this is about to end? I hope she calls. It's a bit awkward seeing someone regularly when you've split up; I use the store quite often. This is the first thoughts in my mind - could there be a relationship just around the corner? Watch this space.

[zenemu]

Good Luck

[dhpmathmusic]

I wish the best for you.  I hope it works out.

[Silver Fox]

UPDATE

So after I give her my mobile number and ask her to call me, instead what she does is TEXT me. This is while I've driven up to Manchester to see my friend Sarah, who has a friend called Eileen, and I'm talking to Eileen on the phone and listening to Sarah while she texts me. So that's 3 women interested in me at the same time and I'm thinking "Does it actually get any better than this?" Unbelievable.

So anyway, after lots of texting, we agree to meet up: tomorrow. Because my car's been in a crash with a deer and I have to hand the courtesy car back tomorrow, I can't drive anywhere.

So this wonderful girl comes out with the offer "I'll come and pick you up" so we're all set for a date tomorrow night. That SHE'S going to drive me to.

It's the truth one and all, and, boy, already I'm floating.... 

[Silver Fox]

Well it happened.

First of all she was late, she'd got stuck somewhere; so instead of 7 it was 8. Our first date was outside Woburn Sands, in a Macdonalds, and we talked and it seems we have a lot in common, divorces and difficulties, but also wanting to do stuff around the town but no partner to make it worthwhile - I do battle with this experience all the time. But I had a great night, and I think she did too.

So tonight she came around. I feel a bit shy admitting this on an open forum (what do people think I'm going to write about at this point? Eh?) but my flat is just so messy I never thought I'd be able to invite anyone around, things being as they are. But she INSISTED (its true folks) and as I write this, my living room is clean for the first time in over a year.

 
she definitely is.
All I can say is that it doesn't happen like that on purpose!! You just get waylaid; the problems of daily living mean that things mount up, to an extent that one person hasn't the time or energy to sort out the detritus that mount up. So I just feel overjoyed, I think we are an item, I hope so anyway.... I've offered to pay for a meal as a trade-off for all this

Ain't love grand? 

[zenemu]

Congratulations

[Silver Fox]

Congratulations

Is this the relationship or the tidy room??

 

[zenemu]

From experience both

[Silver Fox]

So I've seen her a few times, we have exchanged lots of texts, and sadly, it looks like it's about to split up. 

One of the things I just don't get about Asians is the family problem thing. What I mean is the way they insist 'you have to be anonymous, no one knows I'm here, don't say anything about us to your friends'. This is at the same time as feeling lonely and having no-one special in your life; having all the good friends you possess in the world in different towns from you, and having no-one to help with bringing up the kids except people in different towns. And the "I've got 50 cousins, they'll all appear out of the woodwork if you do anything bad to me", but yet ask them for emotional support, and sorry, that's unavailable.

Having been 'on the shelf' for 5 years I'm thinking there are certain assumptions that people younger than me make that I'm just not logging into. Could it be true?

Then there's the attitude problem of me wanting to have things fixed and predictable, while it looks like she's more interested in keeping things open-ended. I try to say what it is I'd like to do, but she isn't willing to do that. 

So we got to the point that she said she'd like no further contact with me because it's just stressing her out. I said that I'd leave her alone for a week just so we could have some space and then I'd text her again. I've said we can still be friends, and do things her way, if she wants to still be friends.

However I fear the worst - that there will be no response to the text I send in a weeks time. Oh furgled gruntbuggly. Blast.

[Silver Fox]

We're still together.

But she is a lot more cool about things now, I am still unsure of where this relationship is going, or is it going anywhere?

There are some very positive parts of the relationship, it's always good when we're together. We talk a lot, but she has some strange ideas from where I'm standing.

For instance I'm shopping in a place and I'm thinking I'll buy some beer. So I send a text saying that I've got some cereal, ice cream blah blah... and some beer. So she texts back saying 'No beer'. On that occasion, I agreed but I'm certainly not going to keep this up for ever.

Fact is, my drinking is not a problem. I got a text saying 'It makes you lose your senses and makes you do stupid things'. I remember just this Christmas, I was with the family, we were all drinking and the topics we were discussing ranged from childhood memories to university life to tuition fees increase, and so on. Nobody punching each other, or blind drunk - where's the harm in that? It isn't every night. I have been drunk before, but I've never hurt anyone but myself, and it's been that way since I started drinking.

We need to sit down and discuss this, but unless i can get something better than what I've been given above, then no, she can sling her hook. No wish to offend here, but this is clearly a Muslim idea, one that is totally at odds with the Christian idea. And I'm also thinking 'what is she going to give up if I'm going to give up drinking'?

So there are issues, but in general I'm happy to be with her, and we are good for each other. 

[MM]

sounds like a plan

[Silver Fox]

I have another issue now: phone ettiquette.

What happened was that I asked (by text) my friend to come over the next day, which was a Thursday, and she replied 'lets wait and see', also by text. So not sure but thinking that maybe it was possible, I waited until I finished work at 6 and then texted to ask 'Are you around? Will you come over?'

I'm then hanging around all night waiting for her reply, which never comes. So the next day I'm angry, and send a text saying that it is RUDE not to reply when someone sends an invitation. I haven't heard back from her since, but I couldn't care less tbh; even if she's run out of credit or battery there must be some way for her to get in touch, even with a phonebox down the road. It can only take 30 secs to write "Busy tonight, sorry can't make it, speak to you soon" but all I got was a reply that said 'I've got a rubbish phone that's hard to text on'. 

No excuse. I know she's Asian and I have AS, but that's just not good enough.
I know Aspies have trouble imagining alternative outcomes in certain situations, but that's not good enough either
I know she has a daughter with a phone that she's used before, was her life so filled up and emotional that she forgot to use it? That's no excuse.
I know that us Aspies thrive on routine, and maybe having kids is more problematic than I think, but no, I can't excuse that. She is using me, full stop. Damn these women! I don't understand a single one of them. 

[MM]

Phone etiqute whats that  .  I do all right on the phone but it would seem alot of hfas/aspies dont.

[zenemu]

Generally "Lets wait and see" is usually a polite way of saying that I don't really feel like it or I don't really want to today. People tend not to be very good at being direct on the phone, and especially not through text messaging. I doubt that she was being intentionally rude and I suspect it was probably a simple misunderstanding on both sides. It sounds like one of those situations where she assumed that you understood she probably wouldn't turn up.

I would talk to her about it, make it clear that she needs to say what she means, so that in future you can both avoid misunderstandings like these.

[Silver Fox]

I would talk to her about it, make it clear that she needs to say what she means, so that in future you can both avoid misunderstandings like these.

Many thanks Zen  Your reply has the ring of the truth, but I feel like I need to live another 150 years to be able to suss these things out.

It's just like the song said: "If she knew how bad I want to make this work.." hope we can avoid the misunderstandings next time.